Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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