Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
