omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
kill, fuck, marry: alice cullen, hermione granger, ginny weasley.
damn... fuck alice for sure, I feel bad but i think I have to say marry ginny... and kill hermoine! I can't believe I'm answering this right now.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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