I hate your face
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
