Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
