I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
