i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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