Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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