it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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