The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
