NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
