She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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