I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
