So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
