I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize