It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
