Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
i need some magic done to my vagina
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
