So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
