i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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