thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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