i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
