How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
