Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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