I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Boobs speak an international language.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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