I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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