i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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