I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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