We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
