I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
