he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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