How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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