Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
