He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
where are my eyebrows?
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