Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
