Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
