I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
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