I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I got inside last night via doggy door
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
