She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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