nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
