3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
