Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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