i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
