Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
