my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
