Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
