Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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