Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
