I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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