can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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