there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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