I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
