People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
