every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
