So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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