he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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