I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
