i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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