Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize