all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
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