So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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